Why Shame Hijacks Your Brain

And How Compassion Brings It Back Online

Alex Garner
June 18, 2025

Why Shame Hijacks Your Brain—and How Compassion Brings It Back Online

Shame was one of the loudest voices in my head when I got sober. It said things like, “You should’ve known better,” or “You ruined everything.” It made me want to hide, to isolate, to give up. And for a long time, I believed shame was part of healing—something I had to carry to prove I’d changed.

But what I didn’t know then was that shame actually disrupts the very part of the brain that helps us grow.

When you experience shame, your brain activates the amygdala, which processes fear and threat. It kicks your nervous system into fight, flight, or freeze. Your prefrontal cortex, which governs self-reflection, problem-solving, and emotional regulation, goes offline. In other words: the part of you that could make a good decision or have a rational thought isn’t even available.

This is what I call a shame hijack. Your brain perceives yourself as the threat—and shuts down your ability to change.

So the more you live in shame, the harder it becomes to stay sober. Not because you’re weak, but because your brain is stuck in a defensive loop.

But here’s the breakthrough: the antidote to shame isn’t more punishment. It’s compassion. And that’s not just a self-help mantra—it’s neuroscience.

When you practice self-compassion, you activate the ventromedial prefrontal cortex and insula, regions associated with safety, empathy, and emotional balance. These areas help calm the amygdala, restoring your brain’s capacity for rational thought and new choices.

In fact, studies show that people who are more self-compassionate are more likely to take responsibility for their actions—and more likely to change. Because they’re operating from a regulated brain, not a hijacked one.

So how do you start?

Talk to yourself like you would a friend. If you wouldn’t say it to someone you love, don’t say it to yourself.
Name the shame. Just saying “This is shame” activates your prefrontal cortex and creates space between you and the feeling.
Breathe and anchor. When shame flares, use grounding tools to calm your nervous system. Your brain can’t access compassion if it thinks you’re in danger.
Reflect on what you’ve survived. Compassion grows when you see your story through the lens of survival, not failure.

Here’s what I now believe: shame never kept me sober. It kept me small. But compassion? Compassion gave me the safety I needed to grow.

Your mistakes are not your identity. They are chapters. And every time you meet yourself with kindness instead of cruelty, you teach your brain something radical:

You are safe now. You are growing. And you are worth staying sober for.

Compassion isn’t the opposite of accountability—it’s what makes true accountability possible.

Why Shame Hijacks Your Brain

And How Compassion Brings It Back Online

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