Respect and Accept

Yesterday, I posted about my father being tired of the appointments, the doctors, and just being sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wrote that post right after my mother and I had accepted that the medical visits were over and my dad had accepted his fate.

After I wrote that, I went into my dad’s bedroom and apologized. I apologized for us pushing him and not honoring what he really wants. I asked for forgiveness for being blinded by selfishness and what we wanted. I told him it’s about what he wants to do and if he doesn’t want to go to the doctor anymore, he doesn’t have to.

Ever since that moment, it’s been different. We’ve hung out together, we’ve laughed together, we’ve watched TV together and I've felt something I haven’t felt in a long time with my father.... Presence.

That I’m fully present with him, taking in moment by moment, breathe by breathe. I’m able to sit with him and think, “this is nice” at the same time.

Because when I’m in fixer mode, I just move on to the next thing to do. Not fully present, not enjoying anything, just getting shit done. There’s no room for presence there. Here’s my dad, been mute for over a year now, watching my mom, my sister, and I try to fix everything with him and around him, rather than just sit and be present with him.

There’s so much to do as a caretaker, God Bless my mom for everything she’s done the last year. But we forget to just be present with him and enjoy his presence while he’s still here.

That’s what my dad wants… it’s not the fixing, it’s not the making sure he gets to his appointments that’s important anymore. Being the fixer seemed like an important role while I was doing it. But I was missing out on real connection with the individual I’m trying to fix.

I’m so glad I’ve noticed this now, so I can enjoy what time I have left with my dad. Truly enjoy it. Fully present, aware, and honoring what he wants, instead of what I want.

Again Dad, I respect it and accept it.

I owe this all to sobriety and what it’s given me. I am so proud of myself that I took the step to get sober. It’s produced so many positives for me that I never saw coming.

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